I have been reflecting on a conversation I had with Angharad Ross about how being honest can help us to build influence at work. Most of us have felt it, that knot in the stomach before a difficult conversation. The rehearsed words that somehow vanish the moment you open your mouth. The meeting you keep putting off. The thing you’ve been meaning to say for weeks that’s quietly turning into resentment.
Here’s the truth: avoiding those conversations isn’t protecting anyone. It’s making things worse.
Why We Go Quiet
Our reluctance to speak up isn’t weakness; it’s neuroscience. Our brains crave certainty. When we sense social threat (such as conflict, rejection, or the possibility of damaging a relationship) the brain responds exactly as it would to a physical danger. Fight or flight kicks in. Your heart rate climbs, your palms go clammy, and your rational thinking starts to blur.
We are, at our core, tribal animals. The fear of being ejected from the group is hardwired into us. That’s why a challenging conversation with a colleague can feel (in your body, at least) remarkably similar to being chased by a lion.
But here’s the reframe that changes everything: that fear isn’t your enemy. It’s asking you to slow down, to think carefully about what you need and how you say it. The discomfort is protective. It’s what stops you from blurting out the first thing that comes to mind and doing real damage. Used well, it makes you better.
Honesty Isn’t Brutal, It’s Kind
There’s a common misconception that being honest means being blunt. It doesn’t. Honesty, done well, means being open about your needs, your objectives, and what you’re trying to achieve, in a way that invites the other person to do the same.
As Brené Brown puts it: “To be clear is to be kind. To be unclear is to be unkind.”
Think about a relationship at work, or even at home, where something has been left unsaid for months. The frustration has built. The resentment has crept in. The other person has no idea why you’ve been distant. That is the cost of avoiding the conversation. Handled early, the same issue might have taken five minutes and left everyone feeling better. Left to fester, it can define, or end, the relationship entirely.
The kindest thing you can do for someone is to be honest with them.
It’s Not Just for Commercial Teams
People often assume that negotiating and influencing are commercial skills, the territory of key account managers and buyers. They’re not. Every single person in an organisation is influencing, negotiating, and navigating difficult conversations every day.
What commercial teams have is practice. They’re expected to show up prepared, read the room, manage their reactions, and find a way through. The good news is that these are learnable skills, and the more you use them, the more natural they become. Like any muscle, they strengthen with use.
A Framework for Bold Conversations
Whether you’re preparing to push back on a brief, address a team dynamic, or finally say what needs to be said, a few principles make a real difference:
Get your mindset right first. Before you think about what to say, think about how you’re showing up. Going in with curiosity, genuinely wanting to understand the other person’s position, changes the entire tone. When people feel heard rather than accused, they open up. Curiosity is contagious.
Prepare, but don’t overthink. A few minutes of quiet thought (what do I need from this? how might they receive it? what words am I going to use to open?) is often all it takes. Spend too long rehearsing and you’ll talk yourself out of it. The prep is a pause, not a procrastination.
Start with facts, not feelings. Feedback models work brilliantly for difficult conversations. Lead with what you’ve observed, explain the impact, and then ask a question. Don’t assume. Don’t blame. Give the other person room to respond.
Know when to step back. If someone goes into fight or flight, you won’t get anywhere. Read the room. A timed-out conversation that resumes in the right conditions is infinitely more productive than one that escalates into a standoff.
Reframe it as problem-solving. You’re not there to win. You’re there to find a way through, together. Keep that in mind, especially if you’re someone who worries about upsetting others. Being honest is the compassionate choice. It means having the conversation once, properly, rather than carrying the weight of it for months.
The Bigger Picture
Better conversations build better relationships. Better relationships build better teams. And better teams, ones where people feel safe to be honest, do work more productively and more effectively.
It sounds simple. And in principle, it is. The challenge is the courage it takes to start.
So, wherever you’ve been putting something off that tough conversation, consider this your prompt. Be clear. Be kind. Be fearless.
For additional support in building confidence in communications in the workplace, join our Fearless Relationships programme, a practical leadership programme for food industry professionals who need to get better outcomes from the conversations that feel hardest. Find out more here: https://fearlessfoodies.co.uk/fearless-relationships/
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